?

Sitting in the dining room at 3:55 a.m, not knowing what to do. Forcing myself to stay awake because sleeping just makes me gain weight and turn me into a lazier bum. There are so many things in my mind I can't even figure out what's the biggest thing bothering me. When you are angry with someone, you can vent your anger at them. But when you are angry at yourself... what can you do? Especially when there are ways to get out of that shit hole but it's too far from what you can reach. Like a 'so near yet so far' kinda thing. Especially when you know you can never achieve the highest of the lowest in your life...

I want the best in my life. I'm not materialistic, but who doesn't want the best in their lives? For years I've been keeping myself to my principle - don't care about any kind of luxury - but is it wrong that now, after 20+ years, I'm asking for a better life if not the perfect one? I'm sick of putting on expired make-ups which cause my face to have breakouts. I'm sick of putting up with the last resort alternative all the time. I'm sick and tired of being poor. Yeah, there are others out there who can't even feed themselves. But look at the situation... everyone has their own problems. If I can't feed my family with an easy mind, how am I supposed to feel content? I can't pay my own bills, can't buy my own food, can't enjoy a single day of no worries. 

"I need a break"

Who doesn't? 

Is it hard to compromise? To cooperate? To understand the needs of another human who doesn't seem busy physically but is already mentally exhausted causing so many other problems? Freedom. Not the freedom to dance, drink, party, etc. The freedom to have my own break time, my own quiet time to ease my mind and get things back on track. But no... nobody chose to cooperate. Of course, there are some who don't mind taking care of the junior but it's disappointing and sad knowing that his own grandparents will never agree to take care of him for a day. I thought grandparents should feel the most excited when the kids' parents decide to leave them? I don't get it why not here.

I am mentally exhausted (like I mentioned). Yes, I do almost nothing at home. When I get the energy to pick myself up, I do the laundry. I enjoy mopping the floor, washing clothes. Unfortunately, I've never been given a pat on the back for pushing myself to do things. I'm not lazy... but it's the depressing weight over my shoulders bringing me down no matter how hard I force myself to get up. In fact, for just a tiny bit of flaw, I'm the one who gets the most blame. I'm too pressured I can't even listen to my own self. I often ask myself, why is it only me who does the compromising? Why not everyone else?

No matter how many people there are around me... I still feel alone. I'm always alone. Struggling to cope with me. People say they understand. They don't. They don't have any idea what's it like to feel burdened by your own self with a ton of weight on your shoulders. 

Sometimes I need a hug... an assurance that everything will be fine; that tomorrow will still be better; that days will not be as bad as yesterday. 

Sadly, all those are just lies. I don't believe in any good things people tell me. I'm exhausted.