As I exited the toilet, I stopped in the middle of the kitchen. Lethargic. My mind was lethargic. Is still, lethargic. Why am I awake?
As I reached for the cigarette filters and papers, I rolled a few sticks to accompany myself. Thoughts with the smoke. The smoke enhancing my thoughts. Regular tobacco, nothing special.
As I went off to work, I stared into thin air in the train while a stranger boarded the same cabin smelling like he just pooped in his pants. Filthy. The smell soon faded. That means your nose senses are used to that smell in just seconds - which is bad.
As I complained of the smell to myself, my mind wasn't distracted. Not a bit. Given this time, moment, I'm still stuck....my mind, in nothingness.
As I brisked, because that's what my job needs me to do, my mind is still in its own world - thinking about why am I still alive. Still awake, still pretending, still forcing to be okay. I had no answers. I didn't know and I still don't know how to answer my mind. It wasn't forcing an answer - only desperate to settle these unruly mental questionings.
As I strolled under the hot sun with my maroon, near burgundy umbrella, my body's happy that I'm working. I'm earning. My mind just keeps on repeating:
I am not enough.
No matter what I do,
I am not enough.
Everyone else...
above me.
As I tried to ignore my mind, I couldn't. No lie -- I couldn't do anything about it. It's part of me but I too am confused to which one is the 'real' me. I can't refrain from thinking of anything. Nothing. Nothing helps.
As I realized talking doesn't change anything, obviously, I once again decide to keep things to myself if not blogging or writing in my diary. Penning down my thoughts and feelings, trying my best to keep it metaphorical although I know I'm really bad at it.
As I look into your eyes, I know what's behind those eyes..mind..heart... I question myself, am I schizophrenic? Or am I really just too smart to know what goes behind people's minds? Body language, from the eyes especially.
As I...
As I...
