11 years. E l e v e n years. Of waiting. How long do people usually wait before they lose patience? From what I thought was just a teenage phase, I managed to grab hold of myself and seek help. Find a way to fix everything no matter where the source is from to force-thinking myself into a positive mood. But the more I smile and laugh, the worse my week gets. Is this karma for being too 'happy'?
When I was younger, I spoke to myself (my mind, that is) and it kept on telling me I won't survive till 22. And if I do, things will get worse drastically after that. Surprisingly, my life is getting worse. Financially... so far so good. Mentally, no. A big fat no. I still refuse to consume my meds, though. It brings me nothing but the sick feeling like being intoxicated in alcohol and codeine. A bad mix, I should say. It makes me dysfunctional. It doesn't fix things. It disables.
It's hard to let out my thoughts. To some, I'm just repeating what I've said before. But that's how I've felt over and over again. Is it this difficult to find someone to talk to who will at some point finally tell me everything will be alright? There's no one whom I have to pat my back and tell me I did a good job; it's fine, nothing wrong with that. I've long lost the pillar of strength and right now it's just me dragging myself. I don't want to die - I just want to take a long break. To get evaluated for ECT is so hasty. Psychologists can't guarantee a green light. Bottom line is, I know the only cure is to get rid of all my memories and start all over again. That's the furthest I can go.
Each time I wake up from sleep, I tremble. Feels like my mind is screaming "why are you awake? why are you not awake in 2007? why do you still have your memory?". Of course, I am mentally exhausted. I'd rather be physically tired. All you need is sleep, rest, enjoy. Sadly, it doesn't work when your mind is too tired yet it still doesn't want to stop. It can't. And you, the owner of the mind, cannot control it.
It's getting worse. I'm running out of ideas on the alternatives to fixing myself.
