Given the time I've kept myself sane towards everyone, it has been the longest compared to a year (or 2) ago. But I am a human, and humans tend to break over time. I will break and I already did a few days back.
I wish I was the type of person who manages to get energized just by sleeping. Every single day I feel dreaded to sleep because it means I'll have to face another day of feeling mentally exhausted. I am not prepared. There's no such thing as mental rest. I'd rather be physically tired than to feel mentally tired. It's burdening. Pushes down your whole body, making it look like you are lazy when you are not.
My social anxiety has been at its minimum. For the past 3 weeks, it came back hitting me hard. I'd rather not go out especially on Saturdays.
I've been repeating many times - I feel useless. Not because I feel used but because I can't make anyone happy. Not my spouse, son, nor anyone in this household. I can't keep anything in a positive state especially when I realize my life is not going anywhere. Nobody's happy. I can't make anyone happy. And that makes me feel utterly useless.
I want to be normal.
Typical people would say therapy and pretending nothing happened will help in my situation. It doesn't work that way, humans. I can't even find the cause of my diagnosis. Nothing happened a decade ago. It just came to me like that. So what makes everyone think therapy would help? I wish it'd help. Anyway, talking to the closest person in my life doesn't help. Like I've always said:
No matter what I do or try to convince myself, I end up realizing I'm living life alone. I suffer alone. And when I die, of course, I'll be alone.
