10 year relapse

Who would've known the one thing I thought was a phase is actually a prolong problem? Back then 10 years ago I was a teenager. It's most probably normal to feel like I was being cast out, the need to rebel, mood swings, the need to go out, etc. 10 years on it's still the same. Got me thinking: is it really a phase? Instead, now I don't feel like going out. I want to lock myself in the room the whole day. I have trouble sleeping because my mind won't stop thinking. My body's exhausted but my mind insists on going on and on and on. I feel the need to go out, but I can't bring myself to go out. Sitting at home won't make things better but I feel safer, secure. As years go by throughout the last 10 (or more) years, things became worse bit by bit.

When I was 10, I had a problem at school. It wasn't my fault. A girl, who used to be my friend, named Yong Xian, contacted me through SMS on one Saturday afternoon, about 2 pm. I was out with my parents, about to board the bus. She asked me if I played this famous online game which was for kids 14 years old and above. I told her, no but I've heard of it before - I didn't play it because I saw it was for 14-year-olds. She then hung up. I called her but she didn't respond. She told me through SMS her line had problems. She'll call me back at 9 pm. I waited, she didn't respond. I'd tell the whole thing but it's too detailed and I'm kinda in a lazy mood to type out.

Basically, she and her aunt complained to the school that I passed her number to this Ah Beng on the online gaming site. And told the guy that I wanted sex (I was 10, I've not hit puberty, and who the fuck wants sex at 10?). I was clueless. I was going in and out of the principal's office. My parents had to waste time every day in the evening just to talk things out and find the truth. OF course, I was telling the truth. When they checked my phone bills, the SMS count was 4 or less. So how did I contact this guy through my phone to ask for sex, sabotaging another person?! Each and every time we had a discussion, this fucking  Yong Xian is always with her aunt. What in the world happened to her mom? Lol. Each and every time they met us, they did nothing but blasted me with information which did not have any evidence to support it. I'm still clueless to why my parents chose to believe them than me. At that point of time, I wasn't much of a bad kid. I was still a kid. Happy going out with parents. Anyway, one of the days, the principal got hold of the Ah Beng's number. The principal and I met in the office in the evening while my parents waited outside. He told me, "I don't think you did this. I know you. I have his number. Once your parents are in, we will call him and you will talk." I said okay, whatever goes, right? I was expecting my parents to believe me. We called him, I asked him do you know me? He said no. They thought I had already informed him beforehand to say no. So the principal took over the phone, put it on the loud speaker, and asked him, the girl whom you know is she Malay or Chinese? The ah beng said clearly, "She is Chinese what? You mean Yong Xian right? She ask me to meet her.." The principal hung up. Yet my parents still did not believe me.

One night, I received a message from her bitch  aunt telling me to just admit it even if I did not do it because she'll bring this to the police if I did not admit. And she told me to delete this message. Since my parents won't talk to me, I decided, okay. I'll admit. And I'll delete the message even though my principal told me whatever messages I received, do not delete them. I was on my own. The next evening at another meeting, I admitted as soon as I entered the office. The bitches were there, my parents were there, both my principals - Mrs. Gill and Mr. Lee - were there. All of them were shocked and angry as they never thought I had done it. BUT, after being asked, "why did you admit now and not before this?" I answered with a slumber and hopeless tone: "Her aunt texted me last night and told me to admit and delete the message. So I did it. She forced me to." Her face turned white. And yet my parents refused to admit. The bitch aunt denied she did it and said I'm a girl what do I do, I'm a liar, etc etc. And told me how dare I put the blame on them. The principal asked me in front of my parents, are you SURE? I said, yeah, do whatever you guys want to...

I was hopeless. At this point of time, I only had my grandma who believed in me. Because I didn't want to go school, while the girl who was supposedly the VICTIM a.k.a the bitch Yong Xian, was happily going to school. I skipped school for almost 2 weeks. I stopped wanting to go to the meetings until one day, it was supposed to be the last meeting. After that, they'll press charges on a 10-year-old and get me suspended from primary school. The bitches weren't there. Only my parents and I. I didn't want to be in the same room as my parents. Fuck it. After talking for 5 mins I went out of the office, dashed to the toilet.

What they didn't know is that I had brought along 14 fedac pills and a razor I took from home. I remember sitting in the canteen's toilet cubicle, hurting myself as much as I could. It was the first time ever. I consumed all 14 pills with hopes that I collapse once I reach home. Before going off, I went back to the office to bid goodbye to the principal. He noticed my arm, red eyes. I walked off from my parents. I was thinking...fuck them, fuck everyone, I don't even want to be alive anymore. I was 10. TEN. And I've started thinking that way.

We went back to grandma's house. All I got was a screaming session from my dad shouting telling me that I've made them disappointed. I had no reaction, no feelings. My grandma consoled me. Told me to sleep there. But my dad wouldn't let it happen cos I'll do what I did.

The next day I went to Gramp's house again. Parents sent me there cos they were working. They had to take an urgent leave because the principal called them down to the office a.s.a.p. The two bitches were there. I REFUSED to go to the office. I stayed at my grandma's house. You know what happened?

These two bitches... they confessed. Saying they framed me, it was Yong Xian who asked for sex, they both planned to frame me so she'd get away from it. Dad reached grandma's house, wanted to hug me, I didn't want to. I just walked off, locked the room. Fuck it.

It was from then on I learned the art of overdosing and self-harm. I'm not sure if my depression and anxiety are wholly related to this incident or not but this was how I learned what pills could do.