3rd trip to the IMH for my appointment where I received my 2nd stock of benzos. Started with Quetiapine because Dr Nisha assumed (or was trying to figure out) I had bipolar depression. Which...sort of made sense but it just didn't fit right with my current state. I was prescribed the lightest dose. Unfortunately, 1 pill made me sleepy and lethargic for almost a week. Thus making me cranky. So she decided to change to Fluvoxamine instead (hi again old, cock-eye maker friend) along with Lorazepam for emergency uses. I've not been taking Luvox because I've taken it before and the effects are just too ridiculous. Makes you dumb no matter how smart and strong you are. If you've ever watched Bronson the movie, there's this part where he sits and he drools, unable to move. It's sort of like that sometimes when the dose is ridiculing your already-cock-up body system. Lorazepam , though, on the other hand, sometimes does work. It depends on how much/how long I manage to endure my anger and violence. Sometimes it doesn't work. Usually it fails when I have crossed the line a.k.a already started being violent.
So how am I doing...? Pretty much the same.. Only worse. Does that make things the same? Haha. I'm trying to force myself to look forward for something which I don't really know what is that thing. I can't afford to shop a lot anymore. Been wasting cash too much.. I do feel hopeless, useless, unappreciated, so on and so forth.. But hey. What else can I do besides smiling? 
All I'm asking for now is for people to co-operate. They told me to survive, but they too are the ones who are pulling me down. I agree I used to be strong. But I'm a human. My strength can't last if I don't have any support, no pillar to rely on. But hey, what else can I do besides smiling my way through days?
Yours truly.
